Lately i have just been feeling the distance from two people that mean the world to me that are a part of my life. I hate to come off as “needy” or “clingy” or “over the top”, but when i can feel someone pulling away from me i start to freak out. Its like i panic and this fight or flight response. I start to think of all the things i could have done wrong to make this person upset with me, all the things that could make them want to distance themselves from me. I start to freak out. Then i mess up and say things i don’t mean because i am trying to push to figure out what really is going on and why this person really is so upset and if they really are distancing themselves from me. I slowly start losing my mind running through all these different scenarios and what it would be like to lose this person and what it would be like to not have this person in my life. i start to become severely depressed. And my point is i go through all these emotions and all this panic before i even know if the person really is upset with me or really is distancing themselves from me. I always worry if someone really loves me, i always worry if i am enough. I always worry if i really truly am making the other person/people happy and because i am always worried it sends me into a state of panic. Sometimes i can bring myself back to reality other times before i even realize it i put my foot in my mouth and now if the person was not upset with me before they are surely upset with me now. All this i feel whether in big part or small stems from issues with my mental health, issues from past abusive relationship situations. It is something i am always constantly working on and trying to become better with but it is hard to find people who are accepting of you, who love you through all your craziness, and faults, through all your dramatic outbursts.
I have learned that sometimes when i feeling crazy i need to stop and take a deep breath. I need to relax and realize that the distance i am feeling from someone is probably just coming from me whether i realize it or not. And if i can’t bring it together instead of jumping to conclusions, just ask the person. Ask the person who i feel is being distant if something is going on and then trust them when they tell me everything is fine. This is something i am working on and will always be working on, but i take it one day at a time and it gets better little by little.
September 08, 2020
Written By: Amanda Paige Medina