Jealousy

Jealousy is a strange emotion.. Its hard to admit when you are jealous and even to admit to yourself why you are jealous. Being part of a poly relationship leaves plenty of room for jealousy to grow. Its hard sometimes to feel like you are enough.. There is a whole other person there making your partner just as happy as you make them and it is so hard not to compete. It is so hard not to try to make yourself the prettiest, or the most noticed, it is hard not to try and be the one who gets all the attention or affection. It is a natural human emotion to feel jealous and this is what i had to learn. To allow myself room to be jealous but to also have it controlled in a way that it does not become toxic to the environment or to the relationship that i am in. I had to realize that it was not a competition and BELIEVE ME, someday’ s that is still hard. You know he looks at her one way or compliments her but doesn’t look at me that way or doesn’t compliment me in that way, so i would feel jealous. Or he would tell her things and not tell me, so i would feel jealous and left out. It was hard to realize that i had to be okay with them having there own relationship apart from me and him having one. There are going to be things that he tells her that he doesn’t tell me, there are going to be things he likes about her that maybe he doesn’t like about me because we are both different in our own ways and he loves different things about each of us. Jealousy is something so hard to deal with and cope with especially if you have a partner that doesn’t always make it easy on you. So for example my partner flirts all the time. He is a very attractive person and to be honest he flirts a lot and with everyone. It shouldn’t bother me but it does and this was something i had to learn to control. He has a very flirty personality. Does he mean anything by it? no, did it and does it still at times make me super jealous and want to rip the eyes out of everyone he comes in contact with ? yes it does LOL but these are things i have been working on trying to control and becoming better with. it is hard for me to feel secure sometimes when i feel jealous. Being jealous makes me question everything about myself and its like a virus. It just spreads through out my whole body until i am just filled with rage and sadness and that’s not the way i want to be that’s not the way i ever wanted to be. Being in a plural relationship comes with a lot of compromises, it comes with a lot of sacrifice just like any relationship but a little more because there is an extra partner. Everything takes time and with work and determination progress can be made. Am i saying i will never not be jealous no probably not. Am i saying there will be a time when i don’t care what i know or if i know something or if i am feeling left out no probably not. But what i can say is i can work on my Jealousy to be a better me and a better partner for the ones i love so that way we can live a happier and less stressful life. 

The link to the audio book above is a book that really has been helping me work through my jealous moments. Really helping me see where the root of my jealousy actually is coming from to get to the bottom of it and conquer it. 

August 18, 2020

Written By: Amanda Paige Medina