I have always been someone who over cares; someone who over loves and it has been a constant struggle all my life. I have tried things like cutting off my emotions by drinking constantly, doing drugs, being promiscuous, but those where all just temporary fixes, temporary solutions to the bigger problem at hand. In a world so full of hate and selfishness its hard to be the type of that I am; it is hard to be so open about how i care and how i feel. All i ever want to do is protect myself, protect my heart and my emotions. You have to be careful who you trust now a days because people will see your over caring as a sign of weakness and try and take advantage of it. It makes you super cautious of who you let into your inner circle and of who you trust.
Sometimes i wish i could change this part of me. I wish that i could care less and feel less. I wish that I could not care so much and not wear my emotions on my sleeve. But then i realize if I change who I am I would not be me anymore. I would not be Amanda; I would be some empty shell just wandering through life not sure if i am coming or going and I do not want to be like that. I want to be full of life and Happy. Having your emotions so raw is like constantly having a raw nerve exposed on your arm, its hard and tough and I actually do not like it. I just want to cover it up and hide and protect myself. It’s tough but i am trying to make it work.
To this day i have not actually decided if over caring and over feeling is a good or a bad thing, but what i have tried to do is cope and manage how i feel. I use meditation and solitude to try and get myself in a place where i wont have my emotions so raw all the time. You have to find out what works for you; you have to find solutions to help keep you happy and living life to the fullest. To this day that is my biggest struggle, That is my biggest fear that i feel like I will never be able to fully cope and fully find a way to deal with this. Every day it is a struggle, but i am trying to make it work as best I can.
August 12, 2020
Written By: Amanda Paige Medina