Doing you ever take a second to look back on your life; To look back and see how things used to be? how far you have come? where did you come from? where are you going? what type of person you are becoming? are you moving forward or backwards?
I was sitting today because i had some down time and I took it as a moment to reflect. To reflect on my life and how far I have come. I think to often we do not give ourselves enough credit. We have this little person in our heads that constantly is telling us to do better, be better, act better; Make more money, lose weight, try harder. I know for me this little person inside my head is just never satisfied. The little person inside my head is always telling me I need to do better and that can be mentally draining at times. It can be emotional, it can be a deterrent to what I am trying to accomplish in life, it can be really hard. So i think it is important and i constantly am reminding myself, that it is okay to cut myself a break from time to time. It is okay to cut myself a little bit of slack. I get so hung up on all the little things, whether big or small, I always want to be perfect, I always want to do everything myself and Take over the world. Which is perfectly fine and I will never stop trying to take over the world, but I think it is okay to trust in others a little bit now too. Cut myself a break from time to time and sit down, slow down, drink some hot chocolate while watching the sunset, read a book, lay down, start to write. Just doing little things that help give myself a break.
I have to give myself credit because i have come so far. When i look back on the last 5 years of my life, from what i can remember, I really have come a long way. I went from financially struggling, barely making it, barely living paycheck to paycheck, abusive relationship, Mentally unstable, couldn’t make it through my day, behind on bills because i couldn’t pay them all. Basically just really struggling and not making it in life. I was so severely depressed and suicidal i did not even know if i was going to make one day to the next. Now fast forward five years to where I am now. Own my own house, my own car, Amazing job with unlimited growth opportunity, financially stable and not struggling anymore, not living paycheck to paycheck, all my bills are paid and on time, there is food in the fridge, healthy relationship status, mentally feeling good, on medication and bipolar disorder is controlled. Just overall in a much better place, mentally, emotionally and financially. My health is still a work in progress, but because everything else in my life seems to be falling into place that is a problem I can deal with. I am so much happier now then the person I used to be. The person I used to be was just so done with life. She was not happy she actually was miserable. And i forget sometimes to be proud of myself. To be proud of all the hard work I have put in, To be proud of how far I have come, To be proud of all the opportunities I have taken advantage of that have helped shape me into the person I am still becoming and grow. We have to take time to be proud of ourselves. Give ourselves credit where credit is due. And as I sit here and reflect I can’t help but be proud of the woman I have become so far and the woman I still am growing into. Everyday I push a little harder, Everyday I come a little further, And everyday I become A little bit more proud of me.
I am Open and Ready To attract Abundance into my Life
Bipolar disorder, formerly called manic depression, is a mental health condition that causes extreme mood swings that include emotional highs (mania or hypomania) and lows (depression).
When you become depressed, you may feel sad or hopeless and lose interest or pleasure in most activities. When your mood shifts to mania or hypomania (less extreme than mania), you may feel euphoric, full of energy or unusually irritable. These mood swings can affect sleep, energy, activity, judgment, behavior and the ability to think clearly.
Episodes of mood swings may occur rarely or multiple times a year. While most people will experience some emotional symptoms between episodes, some may not experience any.
Although bipolar disorder is a lifelong condition, you can manage your mood swings and other symptoms by following a treatment plan. In most cases, bipolar disorder is treated with medications and psychological counseling (psychotherapy).
There are several types of bipolar and related disorders. They may include mania or hypomania and depression. Symptoms can cause unpredictable changes in mood and behavior, resulting in significant distress and difficulty in life.
Bipolar I disorder. You’ve had at least one manic episode that may be preceded or followed by hypomanic or major depressive episodes. In some cases, mania may trigger a break from reality (psychosis).
Bipolar II disorder. You’ve had at least one major depressive episode and at least one hypomanic episode, but you’ve never had a manic episode.
Cyclothymic disorder. You’ve had at least two years — or one year in children and teenagers — of many periods of hypomania symptoms and periods of depressive symptoms (though less severe than major depression).Other types. These include, for example, bipolar and related disorders induced by certain drugs or alcohol or due to a medical condition, such as Cushing’s disease, multiple sclerosis or stroke.
Bipolar II disorder is not a milder form of bipolar I disorder, but a separate diagnosis. While the manic episodes of bipolar I disorder can be severe and dangerous, individuals with bipolar II disorder can be depressed for longer periods, which can cause significant impairment.
Although bipolar disorder can occur at any age, typically it’s diagnosed in the teenage years or early 20s. Symptoms can vary from person to person, and symptoms may vary over time.
Mania and hypomania
Mania and hypomania are two distinct types of episodes, but they have the same symptoms. Mania is more severe than hypomania and causes more noticeable problems at work, school and social activities, as well as relationship difficulties. Mania may also trigger a break from reality (psychosis) and require hospitalization.
Both a manic and a hypomanic episode include three or more of these symptoms:
Abnormally upbeat, jumpy or wired Increased activity, energy or agitation Exaggerated sense of well-being and self-confidence (euphoria) Decreased need for sleep Unusual talkativeness Racing thoughts Distractibility Poor decision-making — for example, going on buying sprees, taking sexual risks or making foolish investments
Major depressive episode
A major depressive episode includes symptoms that are severe enough to cause noticeable difficulty in day-to-day activities, such as work, school, social activities or relationships. An episode includes five or more of these symptoms:
Depressed mood, such as feeling sad, empty, hopeless or tearful (in children and teens, depressed mood can appear as irritability) Marked loss of interest or feeling no pleasure in all — or almost all — activities Significant weight loss when not dieting, weight gain, or decrease or increase in appetite (in children, failure to gain weight as expected can be a sign of depression) Either insomnia or sleeping too much Either restlessness or slowed behavior Fatigue or loss of energy Feelings of worthlessness or excessive or inappropriate guilt Decreased ability to think or concentrate, or indecisiveness Thinking about, planning or attempting suicide
Other features of bipolar disorder
Signs and symptoms of bipolar I and bipolar II disorders may include other features, such as anxious distress, melancholy, psychosis or others. The timing of symptoms may include diagnostic labels such as mixed or rapid cycling. In addition, bipolar symptoms may occur during pregnancy or change with the seasons.
If you or anyone you know is experiencing Suicidal Thoughts or emotions please contact the Suicide Hotline at : 800-273-8255
2 teaspoons minced fresh chives, plus more for serving
Butter lettuce leaves, for serving
Make the poaching liquid: Freeze the lobsters for 20 minutes. (This sedates them and makes them more manageable.) Meanwhile, combine 1 gallon water, the bay leaves, thyme, red pepper flakes, paprika, parsley and peppercorns in a large pot. Halve the 4 lemons; squeeze the juice into the pot and then add the halves. Season the liquid with salt until it tastes as salty as the ocean. Bring to a boil; reduce the heat to a simmer. Kill the lobsters: This is the most humane method: Position the point of a knife on the middle of the back of the head; push the point straight down through the shell and lower the knife through the head. (The lobster may continue to move for a few minutes.) Poach the tails and claws: Hold each lobster over the pot of simmering liquid and twist the tail away from the body. Put the tails in the pot and cook 3 minutes, then twist off the large claws (with the knuckles attached), add to the pot and cook 7 more minutes. Transfer the lobster tails and claws to a bowl with tongs; let cool to room temperature. Make the aioli: Put the egg yolks, garlic, mustard, vinegar, hot sauce and 1 1/2 teaspoons salt in a food processor; pulse to combine. With the motor running, add the canola oil in a slow, steady stream and process until thick and creamy. Scrape into a bowl and set aside. Shell the lobsters: Stand each claw on one of its narrow edges and whack the top with a knife. Wiggle the knife until a crack runs through the claw. Repeat on the opposite edge, if necessary, to make the crack bisect the shell. Pull the claw apart and remove the meat. Insert the handle of a spoon into each knuckle and twist to pull out the meat. Lay each tail on its side. Put the palm of your hand on top, then press that hand with the heel of your other hand until the shell cracks. Hold the tail with the underside facing up. With your thumbs, grab the edges of the bottom of the shell. Bend back the edges of the shell to crack open the underside and remove the tail meat. Chop the lobster meat: Pull the flat piece of cartilage from the middle of each piece of claw meat and discard. Halve each tail lengthwise and clean out any visible vein or roe. Cut the claw, knuckle and tail meat into bite-size pieces. Make the salad: Combine the lobster meat, celery, about 1/4 cup aioli, the tarragon and chives in a bowl; toss. (Cover and refrigerate the rest of the aioli for up to 4 days.) Scoop the lobster salad onto butter lettuce leaves and sprinkle with more chives. Serve at room temperature with the lemon wedges.
Sausage Kale Strata
16 ounces white mushrooms, halved
Olive oil, for drizzling and frying
Salt and freshly ground black pepper
2 cups whole milk
1/2 cup half-and-half
1/4 cup minced fresh oregano
12 large eggs
2 pounds breakfast sausage patties
1 large bunch regular kale, torn into pieces
Butter, for greasing the lasagna pan
1 loaf crusty French bread or ciabatta, cut into cubes
2 1/2 cups freshly grated Monterey Jack cheese
Preheat the oven to 425 degrees F. Put the mushrooms on a baking sheet, drizzle with olive oil and sprinkle with salt and pepper. Roast until golden brown, 15 to 20 minutes. Set aside. Mix together the milk, half-and-half, oregano, eggs and some salt and pepper in a large pitcher or bowl. Set aside. Set a large skillet over medium heat and add the sausage patties. Cook until golden brown, 4 to 5 minutes per side. Set aside to cool, then chop into cubes. In the same skillet from the sausage, heat some olive oil over medium-high heat. Throw in the kale and cook until slightly wilted, 2 minutes. Grease a lasagna pan with some butter. Layer half the bread, half the kale, half the mushrooms, half the sausage and half the cheese in the prepared pan. Repeat with the other half of the same ingredients, ending with the cheese. Slowly pour the egg mixture all over the top. Cover with plastic wrap and refrigerate overnight. Twenty to thirty minutes before baking, remove the lasagna pan from the fridge. Preheat the oven to 350 degrees F. Replace the plastic wrap on top of the strata with aluminum foil. Bake for 30 to 40 minutes, then remove the foil and continue to bake until the top is golden brown and slightly crisp, 10 to 15 minutes more (keep a close eye on it).
Grilled Tequila Garlic Lime Flank Steak
1 cup roughly chopped garlic (about 3 bulbs)
3/4 cup freshly squeezed lime juice (about 8 large limes)
1/2 cup clear tequila
1/4 cup soy sauce
1 bunch roughly chopped fresh cilantro, leaves and stems
1 jalapeno pepper, seeded and diced
1 serrano pepper, seeded and diced
1 teaspoon cumin powder
1 tablespoon freshly cracked black pepper
1 1/2 to 2 pounds flank steak
12 corn tortillas, wrapped in foil
1/2 cup chopped fresh cilantro
1 bunch radishes, cleaned, ends cut and sliced
1/3 cup grated queso fresco cheese
2 ripe avocados, seeded and sliced
3 vine ripened tomatoes, sliced in wedges
Hot sauce, for serving
Combine the garlic, lime juice, tequila, soy sauce, cilantro, peppers, cumin and black pepper in a resealable plastic gallon bag. Add the steak and let marinate in the refrigerator for 2 hours. Remove from the refrigerator, and let marinate at room temperature another 30 to 45 minutes. Prepare a grill to medium-high heat. Remove the steak from the marinade, reserving the marinade. Put the marinade in small saucepot and bring to a boil. Then strain and reserve. Put the tortillas on the corner of the grill and flip the package a few times to heat through while the steak is cooking Place the steak on the grill. Cook for 4 minutes, turn 180 degrees, and cook for 3 minutes more (to create cross grill marks). Flip over and finish cooking for 3 to 5 minutes, depending on desired doneness. Remove from the grill to a cutting board and let rest, lightly covered, for 5 minutes. Slice against the grain, and serve immediately with the reserved marinade, garnishes, tortillas and hot sauce.
Preheat the oven to 350 degrees F. Line a 9-inch-square baking dish with foil, leaving a 2-inch overhang on two sides; coat the foil with cooking spray. Pulse 2 cups flour, the butter, confectioners’ sugar, 1 teaspoon vanilla and the salt in a food processor until the mixture starts clumping together, about 1 minute. Press firmly and evenly in the bottom and 1/4 inch up the sides of the prepared pan. Bake until firm and lightly browned, 25 to 30 minutes. Transfer to a rack and let cool 5 minutes. Meanwhile, combine the dulce de leche, heavy cream, egg yolks and the remaining 1 tablespoon flour and 2 teaspoons vanilla in a medium bowl and whisk until smooth. Pour the mixture over the crust and sprinkle with the chocolate chips and pecans. Return to the oven and bake until set around the edge but slightly jiggly in the center, 20 to 25 minutes. Transfer to the rack and let cool completely. Lift out of the pan using the overhanging foil. Remove the foil and cut into pieces.
When trust is broken is there a way to get it back? There was an incident about a year and a half ago, at first after the stroke and concussion i did not remember it, but then it came back to me like a wave and flash. I was lied to and deceived by the two people who mean the world to me. Something i would never have even dreamed would happen, but it did. Something i would never do to them was done to me and everyday since has been a struggle for me. The deceit was so deep and then afterwards i was not even given time to heal before next steps where taken to move forward. It was like i was hurt so deeply and so badly but nobody cared, at least that’s how i felt. I felt like nobody cared that they hurt me, nobody cared that they lied to me, nobody cared that they conspired to withhold information from me. The pain when the memory came back felt like it was just happening yesterday. All the feelings i had moved past came back like a swarm. It is hard for me to trust. I am such a caring and loving person, and i give trust so blindly especially to people that i really care about because i never think or feel like they will hurt me, i never think that people i care so deeply about will do something like that to me but it happened. It happened and it was bad, it was twice as hard and hurt twice as bad because it was betrayal from two people not just one. i give them credit because they have been working hard to make sure they earn my trust back. As far as i know there have been no lies since the “incidents” have occurred there have been nothing withheld or not said to me. But it’s always in the back of mind now and i just don’t know how to get it out of there. I do not always want to be waiting for the other shoe to drop, i do not always want to waiting for the heartbreak to come and the pain to return. I just want to live my best life with the two people that i love and be as happy as we can be. These are two people i am choosing to spend the rest of my life with, two people who mean the world to me. Two people who i love more then anything and two people i hold in such high regard. I put these people on such a high platform it was hard for me to accept this and go through it. Everyday i work at it and everyday i move towards trusting more and more, even though i am scared and terrified to be hurt and lied to again. I know it will be a work in process forever but its just hard. Sometimes i wonder if re trusting is working, but i love them so much that i feel like they are worth it and i know that this is the place for me and where i want to be. Every day i work at it and everyday is progress. Do you have any tips on how to retrust? any tips on what has worked for you or what you are working on ? Leave comments in the comment section, I am all ears to any feedback because i feel like they are worth it.
Lately i have just been feeling the distance from two people that mean the world to me that are a part of my life. I hate to come off as “needy” or “clingy” or “over the top”, but when i can feel someone pulling away from me i start to freak out. Its like i panic and this fight or flight response. I start to think of all the things i could have done wrong to make this person upset with me, all the things that could make them want to distance themselves from me. I start to freak out. Then i mess up and say things i don’t mean because i am trying to push to figure out what really is going on and why this person really is so upset and if they really are distancing themselves from me. I slowly start losing my mind running through all these different scenarios and what it would be like to lose this person and what it would be like to not have this person in my life. i start to become severely depressed. And my point is i go through all these emotions and all this panic before i even know if the person really is upset with me or really is distancing themselves from me. I always worry if someone really loves me, i always worry if i am enough. I always worry if i really truly am making the other person/people happy and because i am always worried it sends me into a state of panic. Sometimes i can bring myself back to reality other times before i even realize it i put my foot in my mouth and now if the person was not upset with me before they are surely upset with me now. All this i feel whether in big part or small stems from issues with my mental health, issues from past abusive relationship situations. It is something i am always constantly working on and trying to become better with but it is hard to find people who are accepting of you, who love you through all your craziness, and faults, through all your dramatic outbursts.
I have learned that sometimes when i feeling crazy i need to stop and take a deep breath. I need to relax and realize that the distance i am feeling from someone is probably just coming from me whether i realize it or not. And if i can’t bring it together instead of jumping to conclusions, just ask the person. Ask the person who i feel is being distant if something is going on and then trust them when they tell me everything is fine. This is something i am working on and will always be working on, but i take it one day at a time and it gets better little by little.
Do you ever just have the best day with someone? A day when everything goes right and when everything just aligns. Lately for the most part i have been having pretty good days. Of course there are those one off days that i struggle with, but for the most part things have been going pretty good. I just felt so happy today. Out and about, even though all we did was go to the store and to pick up some groceries, i just really felt at peace and this feeling of such calmness. With my bipolar disorder, even though it is controlled days when i have this calmness actually still surprise me. Mental health is such a serious thing now a days and sometimes people do not like to talk about it, but me i am honest about my condition and I do not let it stop me or hold me back. I am grateful for the days and weekends like this where i am calm and at peace, where there is no stress, no arguing, no nonsense or bs going on that’s in my way. Certain people i am realizing just bring out the best in me and i can only hope I bring out the best in them too.
Take life one day at a time. Roll with the punches but don’t let them hold you down. Live everyday to the fullest and don’t sweat the small stuff.
Do you ever just sit and reflect? Reflect on how things used to be? wish things could go back to the way they once where? I do, every single day. I may not remember to much of how things once where, but what i do remember i miss dearly and i just don’t know how to get it back. Sometimes in life we go through so much, so much pain so much sorrow, we hurt each other in ways that we do not even speak about. Then we come back and try to mend what was once broken, try to fix it and take it back. Sometimes we can just go back to the way it was and other times we go back but it is never the same. I know how i feel but i am so scared to talk about it, I am scared to confront you and tell you what you really mean to me, scared to tell you how i truly feel or what i really want. What if you reject me? what if you laugh? what if you don’t hear me out? or even give me a chance? I believe everything in life happens for a reason and i Don’t believe that i got a second chance at life just to not try this again but how do i even proceed? I have been carrying this secret around inside of me for so long and I want to let it out before it’s to late I just don’t know when the right time is. If i do it to fast will i ruin it? if i wait to late will i miss it? How do you feel? idk what are you thinking? Idk will you want me? idk will you accept me ? idk there are just so many unknowns that make me so afraid. I know in life unless you go after what you want you will never get it. If you don’t reach for the stars you won’t hit the moon. One day I’ll have enough courage to ask you and talk to you about what i really want, and when the time comes hopefully you will feel the same way too, because i don’t know if i can handle the rejection coming from you…
Being in a relationship just two is hard, but then try adding someone else. Now you have extra emotions, extra thoughts, extra opinions, extra feelings, and a whole additional person. There is so much beauty to polyamory, but there is also a lot of work involved when you take on a relationship this way. You go through everyday life struggles but times 3. You go through up’s and downs but times 3. Everyone has to be on the same page and everyone has to make sure there voice is heard. Everyone has to feel important and like they matter. I believe that’s why a lot of polyamorous relationships tend to have so many issues especially when they are first starting out. The two people who are what we will call the “core” of the original relationship, now have to open up and allow someone else in. They have been together for years, built this bond, have all these secrets, jokes, things between the two of them and now they have to open up to allow a third person in. They have to bring that person in on there “secrets”, there jokes, the insiders, there “things” that where once just the two of them and sometimes one or both partners just don’t know how to do that. This then causes the additional person to feel left out, to feel like they are alone or like a burden, it causes them to not feel included and sad. If not done right polyamory can be a destructive situation for all involved, but especially for the addition that you try to bring into your home. You can end up with broken promises and crushed dreams. Sorrow and a whole lot of pain, leaving one person feeling like there life will never be the same. That is one side to it.
Now the other side of polyamory, the more beautiful side, the side that first attracted me to it; is the concept of family. You are not just building a relationship, you are building an empire, a family. Three or more people come together with the concept of mutual respect for one another. this concept that they are in this crazy thing we call life together and they are going to have each others backs and make it work. You might fight, but you make up, you might be sad but you love; And you create a bond so strong that you guys can conquer anything and everything that comes your way. It’s the concept of creating your own family that was so attractive to me. The fact that you can love not just one person but two people so deeply that you are willing to share your deepest darkest secrets with them, you are willing to trust them with everything you are and it creates this beautiful love. You laugh, you joke, you travel, you try new things, you make memories, the best kind life is made of and these two people become your whole world. This is the other side, the side not often showed or portrayed on social media because most people will have you believe that this is not the way to love, this is not the way to build a life or a family. But when done correctly, polyamory can be a beautiful and wonderful thing.
Do you ever just feel down in the dumps? Just a wave of sadness washes over you and suddenly all you want to do is sleep all day ? That was me today. I woke up just feeling down in the dumps. I have not been sleeping well, but i think its more then that. My overthinking was just at an all time high today for some reason. Being an over thinker is the worst; I always worry about how other people feel about me, what are they saying? am i being left out? do they really feel how they say they feel? am i making them upset? am i doing this right? are they judging me? do they really not want me? are they making fun of me? The list goes on and on. Over the years i have worked on controlling the overthinking with therapy but some days i just wake up and its there. The mind racing thoughts, the anxiety, the depression; some days i just can’t escape it. Today was one of those days. Had the weirdest dream and it just put me in my feelings. I didn’t hear from my boyfriend for a couple hours and i started thinking does he not miss me? does he no longer care? is he talking to someone else? is he mad at me? did i do something wrong? i literally went crazy in a matter of minutes worrying and overthinking myself nearly to death. I had to smack myself to bring myself back down to reality. I have learned to take the good with the bad days, and today was just a bad day. I worked all day and then once i was done went right to bed and just laid there and you know what that was okay. Sometimes it’s okay to just listen to our bodies and do what our mind and body is asking us to. I never want to give myself enough credit, i always feel lazy if i am just laying around doing nothing. But i have to give myself credit because sometimes all i did was roll out of bed and go to work, and sometimes accomplishing that is enough. Other days i am ready to take over the world, but with everyday comes a balance. Sometimes the scale is tipped more one way then the other but it always balances out in the end.
Remember to give yourself credit, cut yourself some slack today. You are awesome, you are amazing, and know even when the bad days come, the sunshine is never far behind it
Lately my depression has been kicking my butt. In spite of everything i have been feeling so down and just out of it. Sometimes i feel things are going good with my relationship other times i feel like i am messing everything up. Sometimes i feel like i am the best mom ever other times i feel like i am screwing that up too. Work is crazy busy but going great and I am still battling on with my health. So for the most part you would look at me and think oh life is great. But for some reason i am just not feeling it. I am feeling down and sad and lonely. I am feeling like no one understands me or what i have going on at times. i have very limited people that i talk to and very limited friendships (on purpose because people suck LOL) but it does become hard at times. I always end up feeling like a burden. I always end up feeling like i do not want to vent to this person because i dont want them to feel sorry for me. But that is my depression talking. People tell me they are there for me but in my head my depression tells me no. IT tells me i a alone, it tells me to be sad and down, it tells me to not be who i really am or trust my full self with others because they will not understand. Depression is a scary thing. A lot of people still do not understand it. THey think oh you are sad “read a book, take a bath, watch tv, oh just be happy” All things i have heard from people who simply just don’t understand and are not trying to. What i find helps me is to not let those people get to you and as hard as it might be do one thing, just one thing that will put a smile on your face and make you a little happy. Hug your dog/cat, go for a walk, lay down, take a nap, take a bubble bath with a LOT of bubbles, meditate, try something new, eat a snack. When you are depressed sometimes the best thing to do is just take a step back and relax.
I also would suggest a therapist. Sometimes speaking to a professional really helps. I grew up in a family where therapy was taboo, it was not spoke about and if people found out you went to therapy they made fun of you and called you crazy. Now that i am an adult i see it much differently and i suggest it to everyone. DO not allow others to keep you from getting the help you need and that will benefit you.