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Jealousy

Photo by Polina Zimmerman

Jealousy is a strange emotion.. Its hard to admit when you are jealous and even to admit to yourself why you are jealous. Being part of a poly relationship leaves plenty of room for jealousy to grow. Its hard sometimes to feel like you are enough.. There is a whole other person there making your partner just as happy as you make them and it is so hard not to compete. It is so hard not to try to make yourself the prettiest, or the most noticed, it is hard not to try and be the one who gets all the attention or affection. It is a natural human emotion to feel jealous and this is what i had to learn. To allow myself room to be jealous but to also have it controlled in a way that it does not become toxic to the environment or to the relationship that i am in. I had to realize that it was not a competition and BELIEVE ME, someday’ s that is still hard. You know he looks at her one way or compliments her but doesn’t look at me that way or doesn’t compliment me in that way, so i would feel jealous. Or he would tell her things and not tell me, so i would feel jealous and left out. It was hard to realize that i had to be okay with them having there own relationship apart from me and him having one. There are going to be things that he tells her that he doesn’t tell me, there are going to be things he likes about her that maybe he doesn’t like about me because we are both different in our own ways and he loves different things about each of us. Jealousy is something so hard to deal with and cope with especially if you have a partner that doesn’t always make it easy on you. So for example my partner flirts all the time. He is a very attractive person and to be honest he flirts a lot and with everyone. It shouldn’t bother me but it does and this was something i had to learn to control. He has a very flirty personality. Does he mean anything by it? no, did it and does it still at times make me super jealous and want to rip the eyes out of everyone he comes in contact with ? yes it does LOL but these are things i have been working on trying to control and becoming better with. it is hard for me to feel secure sometimes when i feel jealous. Being jealous makes me question everything about myself and its like a virus. It just spreads through out my whole body until i am just filled with rage and sadness and that’s not the way i want to be that’s not the way i ever wanted to be. Being in a plural relationship comes with a lot of compromises, it comes with a lot of sacrifice just like any relationship but a little more because there is an extra partner. Everything takes time and with work and determination progress can be made. Am i saying i will never not be jealous no probably not. Am i saying there will be a time when i don’t care what i know or if i know something or if i am feeling left out no probably not. But what i can say is i can work on my Jealousy to be a better me and a better partner for the ones i love so that way we can live a happier and less stressful life. 

The link to the audio book above is a book that really has been helping me work through my jealous moments. Really helping me see where the root of my jealousy actually is coming from to get to the bottom of it and conquer it. 

August 18, 2020

Written By: Amanda Paige Medina

Coming out but not really…

Photo by Steve Johnson

My coming out story: 

Truthfully i have never really “come Out” as the turn states, so it is kind of funny to even be writing this. i come from a family who we are raised to love everyone and not treat anyone different no matter there skin color, there race, gender, sexuality. But have you ever felt like even though they say its okay, its only okay because “its not ” in ‘Our” family? As far as i know i am the first, i am the first person in my family throughout many generations to be a part of the LGBTQ community. Am i a lesbian ? NO am i gay ? NO am i transgender? NO, i am Pansexual. A term which is becoming more and more commonly heard of now a days but was less common while i was grown up. Pansexual meaning in simplified terms, i can love anyone, no matter there gender or sexual orientation, who they identify as, I can love and be with them because i care about what is on the inside of that person more then whats on the outside. 

I always knew i was different growing up. Yes i like guys but that’s what you where supposed to do. Girls liked Boys and Boys liked Girls that’s just how it was when i was growing up. Where there certain people who where considered the “rebels” of my generation and who put it all out there? yes of course, every generation has that. But me i did for the most part what i was “supposed” to do. Well up until i turned 16 that is LOL 

As i got older i just knew that something was different about me, i started to have a strong attraction to people of the same sex as me. I started to notice certain things more about women then i ever did, i started to become more engaged and more attracted. IT became such a freeing experience to be able to just be me. It was almost like i was free because i was me but also a bit of a trill because it was like i was doing something, liking someone i was not “supposed” to like. And i have never looked back ever since, and as i move forward i continue to just be me. 

WHy is it though that people feel the need to hide there sexuality? Why is it that we feel like we have to hide and why we can not be ourselves? i have a coworker that never tells customers she is married to a woman, she lies and says she is married to a man, why? why do those of us that are a part of the LGBTQ community feel we need to hide? Its because even though people say we are equal, even though “society” says we are accepted there are still a VAST Majority who do not. Believe it or not there are still people in this century that think it is not normal to be in any type of relationship unless its male and female. We still have families who are not okay with this, they are okay as long as its not in “there” family. Look at me for example i still have not fully come out to my parents or family as being Pansexual because i have children and i am afraid of the back lash. Even though my family says it would be okay, i would still be the first in my family for generations to “come out” 

I await a day when we really all are equal, a day when people didn’t need to “come Out”, a day when we where all REALLY free to just be ourselves and be who we really are. A time when love is love really meant Love i Love without judgement or hoops to jump through. A time when we didn’t have to hide who we really where. A time when we truly really all where one nation united under the freedom to be who we really are on the inside as well as on the outside. 

August 17, 2020

Written By: Amanda Paige Medina

Fibromyalgia Flair

Today i woke up in so much pain that i could not even see straight. There are times with Fibromyalgia that even the air touching my skin is to painful to even bare. I wake up certain days and i can not even put clothes on, shower, move, breath, every movement, every motion takes my breath away from the amount of pain that i am experiencing at that moment. The options are not good for someone like me. The choices are deal with the pain or take a lifetime of pain medications and other drugs that do not help even though they claim to be life savers. I have tried multiple medications that claimed to help but none have and the only other option is strong pain killers which i do not want to be on because i am afraid of becoming addicted. No there is nothing else to do besides smile and bare it and try and take the pain. This pain is something i would not wish on my worst enemy but even though every day i struggle i know i eventually will make i through this excruciating pain. 

Fibromyalgia Information look up:

https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/fibromyalgia/symptoms-causes/syc-20354780#:~:text=Fibromyalgia%20is%20a%20disorder%20characterized,your%20brain%20processes%20pain%20signals.

https://www.nhs.uk/conditions/fibromyalgia/causes/

August 16, 2020 Part 2

Written By: Amanda Paige Medina

Don’t Sweat the small Stuff

Photo by Karolina Grabowska

Sometimes not all things are worth your reaction, not all things are worth a discussion. It has taken me a really long time to figure this out and it is something I work on constantly every single day. Sometimes one thing may be a big deal to you and one thing may be important to you, but not to someone else so you may feel like you need to express it. This can cause an argument between you and another person especially if they do not understand why what you are discussing or bringing to light is so important to you. This is where knowing when do bring things up and when not bring things up comes into play. In the grand scheme of life not all things are super serious and need to be discussed or brought to like at a level 110. Sometimes in order to love we have to compromise and that means prioritizing things and figuring out what’s important to talk about or discuss and what is something that you can keep to yourself that really is not as bothersome. 

This has been something that in my current relationship that has caused me many issues and i have had to work frequently on.  Due to my mental illness i tend to take things and feel they are more serious then they are at times. Something that may not be that serious or important to someone else to me becomes like life and death. Before my medication was changed i always felt like things where so serious and i would get really upset with the people in my life who i loved that did not also take it as serious as i did. It would hurt my feelings and make me feel like they where not validating or prioritizing how i was feeling or my emotions. It took a lot of emotional mental clarity and medication change for me to finally see things clearly and realize not everything needs to be discussed and not everything needs to be brought to life. Life i so short at times and at other times life is long, but what i do know is i want to live as happy a life as possible and in the grand scheme of things and in this crazy thing we call life who moved the coffee pot, instead of me just moving it back to the previous spot is not worth the same level argument or does not need the same amount of energy as something for serious like a betrayal of trust for example. I really had to learn to prioritize my feelings and emotions and how to compartmentalize what needs to be brought up and what doesn’t.  Even if i have to sit by myself for a few moments to let those emotions of irritation or those moments of being annoyed pass; it is better to do that than to start an unnecessary argument. 

August 16, 2020

Written By: Amanda Paige Medina

Keeping Personal Relationships and Friendships

Keeping Personal Relationships and Friendships has always been something that came to me with a great bit of difficulty. Not because i am not an awesome person or because i am a jerk or anything just because at times its hard for me to express my feelings in ways others understand. I get upset/worked up a lot of times over small things that most people would not care at all about and at times it is very difficult for people to understand why i am reacting the way i am. Since i have been going to therapy and on medication it has become easier for me but everyday it is a struggle and everyday it is something i work on constantly. Having to deal with and cope with mental illness on a daily basis does make having personal relationships difficult. There is still such a stigma now a days when it surrounds mental illness and a lot of people choose not to understand it or mention it at all. For me it is hard to disclose that i have a mental illness due to fear of rejection from others but once i begin to open up and get close to someone even at that point explaining whats going on is hard for people to accept and it is hard for people to understand how i cope or process things. Sometimes i get upset because i end up losing more relationships/friendships that end up holding on but i do know the ones that stick around are worth it. Nobody said having a mental illness was easy and all we can do each day is try our best to make it through and try our best to cope with the least amount of destruction to the world and those around us.  Going into therapy and getting on medication has changed my life for the better and for once i have never been in a better place mentally. I recommend anyone suffering from mental illness get some type of help, whether its medication, therapy, holistic, reiki, or maybe a combination of all three. You not only will benefit in your life but it will help you build those close relationships with those around you that you want in your circle on a daily basis and through out your entire life. 

I try not to become discouraged when someone walks out of my life because they do not understand what’s going on with me or they just do not understand how to handle it or they feel like “woo that’s just to much for me to deal with.” I have learned that you can not force people to be in your life and anyone that walks out of it is just making room for the others who will one day cross paths with you and change your life for the better. Sometimes it can be lonely but i do know whoever chooses to stick around is worth it. Close friends/relationships are hard to find now a days so i try to appreciate the people in my life in my small circle the most i can. I appreciate anyone who sticks around because it’s not easy but when they stick around i know they feel that i am worth it and that means the world to me. 

August 15, 2020

Written By: Amanda Paige Medina

Auto Immune/Auto Inflammatory Diseases

To finally find out what diseases i have is bitter sweet. To find out after 4 plus years of fighting, 4 plus years of battling, 4 plus years of going from doctor to doctor to doctor, driving to Philly and Hershey, and Back again all over the Lehigh Valley, After all the gas money and money towards medical bills to finally have answers is bitter sweet. I am glad now that i know what i have but i am also scared for the journey of what is to come an the treatments that i will start to be on for these diseases. 

Auto Immune Disease – I found out not only do i have the beginning stage of Lupus but I also have undifferentiated connective tissue disease. Which is a disease in which the body mistakenly attacks its own tissue making the person sick. It also causes you to have a severe Vitamin D deficiency which i also have. 

Auto Inflammatory Disease – I found out through Genetic Testing that I also have a Disease called Majeed Syndrome which is a rare condition characterized by recurrent  episodes of fever and inflammation in the bones and skin. One of the major features is an inflammatory bone condition known as chronic recurrent multifocal osteomyelitis. Basically what that all means is i have a problem with my bone marrow that is make me sick. 

I do not know what the future holds for me; I do not know how much time i have left, well no one ever does; but what i do know is i will fight and live my best life for as long as possible. I will not waste time from day to day being sad or depressed, i will not let others affect me. I am going to spend the rest of my life living my life to the fullest and living the best life i possibly can. Just because i have these diseases does not mean that that’s all i am. They are a part of me but they do not define me. I am strong and i got this. 

Link to learn more about Majeed Syndrome:

https://ghr.nlm.nih.gov/condition/majeed-syndrome#:~:text=Majeed%20syndrome%20is%20a%20rare,recurrent%20multifocal%20osteomyelitis%20(CRMO).

Link to learn more about Undifferentiated Connective Tissue Disease:

https://www.hss.edu/conditions_undifferentiated-connective-tissue-disease-overview.asp#:~:text=The%20term%20%22undifferentiated%20connective%20tissue,for%20a%20well%2Ddefined%20connective

August 14, 2020

Written by: Amanda Paige Medina

Over feeling/Over caring

I have always been someone who over cares; someone who over loves and it has been a constant struggle all my life. I have tried things like cutting off my emotions by drinking constantly, doing drugs,  being promiscuous, but those where all just temporary fixes, temporary solutions to the bigger problem at hand. In a world so full of hate and selfishness its hard to be the type of that I am; it is hard to be so open about how i care and how i feel. All i ever want to do is protect myself, protect my heart and my emotions. You have to be careful who you trust now a days because people will see your over caring as a sign of weakness and try and take advantage of it. It  makes you super cautious of who you let into your inner circle and of who you trust. 

Sometimes i wish i could change this part of me. I wish that i could care less and feel less. I wish that I could not care so much and not wear my emotions on my sleeve. But then i realize if I change who I am I would not be me anymore. I would not be Amanda; I would be some empty shell just wandering through life not sure if i am coming or going and I do not want to be like that. I want to be full of life and Happy. Having your emotions so raw is like constantly having a raw nerve exposed on your arm, its hard and tough and I actually do not like it. I just want to cover it up and hide and protect myself. It’s tough but i am trying to make it work. 

To this day i have not actually decided if over caring and over feeling is a good or a bad thing, but what i have tried to do is cope and manage how i feel. I use  meditation and solitude to try and get myself in a place where i wont have my emotions so raw all the time. You have to find out what works for you; you have to find solutions to help keep you happy and living life to the fullest. To this day that is my biggest struggle, That is my biggest fear that i feel like I will never be able to fully cope and fully find a way to deal with this. Every day it is a struggle, but i am trying to make it work as best I can. 

August 12, 2020

Written By: Amanda Paige Medina

Mental Health Awareness Month “Look Back to May”

                                   May Is Mental Health Awareness Month

A lot of times when someone is struggling or dealing with a mental illness they get embarrassed; They get embarrassed to reach out and say i am struggling, I need help. 

In Society today having a mental illness is looked down on. People are always so quick to judge someone, so quick to point a finger and say “oh there is something wrong with you.” This is the exact problem/issue today (along with many others). There is nothing wrong with having a mental illness, nothing wrong with dealing with your mental health. ESPECIALLY because, guess what, mental health problems are genetically passed down to children. THAT’S RIGHT!! whatever you have you got from your parents or someone in your gene pool. Having a mental illness is no one’s fault and you should not suffer just because you are ashamed. It took me a long time to get to this point however. 

I used to be ashamed and embarrassed especially around my family. My family used to make me feel like it was wrong that I had a mental illness, it was wrong that I was suffering. Nobody ever wanted to talk about it or discuss what was going on or where the mental health issues came from. Everyone wanted to be hush hush about it. It was to the point that i was being made fun of by my family members because I was going to therapy, because i was getting help. They where telling me “oh you don’t need medication, why are you taking that” And i almost listened to them. 

A year and a half ago i tried to commit suicide and it was at that point when i was recovering that i realized i needed to do what was best for me regardless of who understands or doesn’t understand. We need to make a point of doing what is best for us despite being ridiculed by others or brought down by others. And for me that was the turning point. From that point on i was not going to let anyone dictate what is best for me and my mental health. I do well in therapy, I have finally found medication that helps me along with spiritual guidance and crystal healing. These things may not be for everyone but they work wonders for me. 

This May lets bring awareness to the fact that people are struggling with there Mental Health. Not every day is a good day. Every day you are not okay. Sometimes you need help. And you know what ALL THAT IS OKAY. 

Original: May 01, 2020

Repost: August 12, 2020

Written By: Amanda Paige Medina

Grocery Store Anxiety

Have you ever been so stressed out and anxious about going to the grocery store that you just sit in the car and you cant go in? 

That is me every single time i go to the grocery store. Every time i get so anxious and so worked up. The crowds, the people walking around looking lost, people just standing in the way being inconsiderate, then i have to actually do the shopping, wait in the long lines, and spend tons of money on food that only lasts a week. 

The best way i have found to deal with my grocery store anxiety is to jam out to music in the car before i go in to the grocery store. I also have meditated before going in just to woosa out and ease my stress and anxiety struggles.  I chew gum, i go into the store with headphones in so i can listen to music and just focus on my shopping list; i try and just zone out and get in and get out.

You have to do and find things i life that help make stressful everyday tasks easier. No need to just sit there and be stressed out. Life is long so you might as well find ways to enjoy doing things you essentially don’t enjoy doing at all and that’s what i do. 

Today i went grocery shopping, i had my headphones in and i was zoned into my list, not paying anyone in the store any mind. That’s what got me through the 1 hour long shopping trip.  It was not until I got on line and was talking to the cashier that I took my headphones out and started interacting with the cashier as i checked out. 

August 11, 2020

Written By: Amanda Paige Medina

Monday Morning Vibes

Today i woke up just in a funk. I was not with it; i was not ready to start this week, i honestly was already over it. Something told me that today was just not going to be a good day and i just did not even want to be bothered with it. Now i sat on the side of my bed for an hour and i had a choice to make. I could either 1: call off of work and say the hell with this and the hell with that. Or 2: i could suck it up, get ready, meditate and tell myself today is going to be great and drive into work. Sometimes in life we have tough times. Especially being someone who suffers from mental illness, i have a lot of really rough days. There are days that i just can not get out of bed, days where mentally my body hurts from dealing with being physically sick and it gets in my head. I have days that i get so depressed i can not even move, i dont watch tv, i dont listen to music, i just lay in bed staring at the wall. I call those resetting days. Its okay to have these rough days but do not stay there, do not live there. Pick yourself up however hard it may be and keep going. Not only will you feel better for moving and getting out of bed or the house or going to work but your future self will thank you. Your future self will thank you when you still have a job, when you have money, when you can go out and live the life you want because you did not give up. 

positive-affirmations-3.webp

August 10, 2020

Written by: Amanda Paige Medina