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Self Love

I think now a days women have a very hard time loving themselves. It seems easy enough doesn’t it? Why shouldn’t you love yourself? you are you after all right ? Well in society today you are made to feel if you are not a size 0 like the models shown on TV then you are not pretty. If you have even an ounce of fat you are not pretty. If you do not look like the girl in the magazine or on tv you are made to feel less pretty. You are made to feel like you need to lose weight. We are spammed constantly every day with weight loss ads for dietary pills, supplements, weight loss programs, work out DVD’s, classes, weight loss bars, its constant and never stops. So what happens ? how does all this make you feel? It makes you feel like crap that’s how. Its hard to love yourself in a society that basically breeds self hate and it took me a really long time to get to the point i am at today; even today i still struggle. 

I remember going through a period in high school when i became anorexic. I was so concerned with how i looked that i decided i was not going to eat. I was on the basketball team, in the Marching Band, I was in numerous different clubs, but i will never forget it was a comment someone made to me about being able to see my stomach through my shirt the one day and it stuck with me. It stuck with me so much that i developed an eating disorder. I love to eat and i started avoiding food. Buying food for lunch and giving it away so that my parents didn’t know, saying i was not feeling well during dinner so that i could get out of eating. It took me getting pregnant to shake the anorexia but that did not mean i was better. Now i was pregnant and self conscience. I was  pregnant and every time i looked at my body i did not like it, i felt disgusted. It took me a long time to look in the mirror and not be disgusted with my body, even after i was pregnant. 

Fast forward to today; I still struggle honestly. Self Love is something i work on every single day. Loving myself, being happy with myself, being happy in my own skin, SHOPPING; OMG SHOPPING is so hard. I HATE SHOPPING because i go into the store and i don’t like anything that i see. I don’t like how clothes look on me, I don’t like how clothes sit on my body. I mean lets be honest real women have curves, real women have stretch marks, real women have some rolls, but even today in my mind I have been so brain washed by society and by people around me that I feel at times unpretty. I feel like i am to heavy, “FAT”, I constantly am weighing myself daily, multiple times a day. Every time i eat i weigh myself, every time i am in the bathroom i weigh myself, every chance i get i weigh myself or i measure my body, it is a constant struggle and something i am constantly working on. I work on this in therapy, i work on this every day i wake up, i work on this every time i look in the mirror. Unfortunately we live in a society where you have to practice loving yourself. You have to practice loving yourself so that it becomes muscle memory. 
Every day i wake up and i look in the mirror and i say, “you are beautiful, you are amazing, you are pretty, you are smart, and today is your day. Today is your day to take on the world” Every day i say that and every day i practice self love. Its not something that comes naturally unfortunately, so it is something i am creating myself and sometimes that is what you need to do. Sometimes you need to create your own self love, your own love for yourself, you can not depend on others to love you enough to compensate for when you are having your low or down moments. 

Every day wake up and say something positive about yourself. Say something to uplift yourself to make you feel like the boss you are. You are special and its important that you make yourself feel that way every day despite what society is made to make you feel. 

August 08, 2020

Written by: Amanda Paige Medina

Life Thoughts

Do you ever sit and just think about how funny life is? How things just seem to happen out of nowhere but then eventually it all ends up working out and coming together? This has been on my mind for a while but after recent events, it has been on my mind more then ever before. 

    Life has a funny way of bringing the most unlikely of souls together. People who are complete opposites, people who may look at each other and think, nope not in a million years.. Those are the people life brings together. Life brings them together and they have the happiest life together. These are the people that make the best memories, the people who smile the most, laugh the most. But just because someone laughs a lot, doesn’t mean they do not cry a lot, doesn’t mean they do not have there struggles or tough times. Everyone has there own journey and own struggles they go through in life and I think we have gotten so comfortable basing our life struggles off of our neighbors and everyone around us that we forget not everyone’s struggles are the same; and they shouldn’t be. Each person on this planet was put on here for a different purpose, a unique purpose and each of those purposes are significant to that individuals journey and how they go through there individual lives. No two people should have the same journey and the same struggles, which means you should not compare yourself to anyone else. You travel through your life at the speed at which you where meant to travel through out. Everything happens in due time and just because you see someone else who may have something you don’t or who may be a step ahead of you; that doesn’t make that person better then you that just means its not your time yet, and that’s okay. We need to be more accepting of our individual lives now a days and ourselves and whatever stage we are at in this dance we call life. 

   I sit here and i think about recent situations that have occurred in my life. Recent events that caused me to have to make a life decisions i honestly never thought i would make and never thought i would be ready for. But life knows when you need a push, life knows when you need some help moving on or moving along in a particular direction. Recent situations have really taught me that things happen. Things will happen that are outside of your control and you have to be willing to adapt, adapt, regroup, dust off and keep it moving. You can not let one set back or one rough moment carry through day to day and continue to affect you. 

     Even when its hard, you have to try and find the positivity within yourself. You can not expect to look and find positivity in someone else when you can not even find it with in yourself. I am a strong believer that you are one of the main sources that affect your own mood. You are the creator of your own destiny so why not make sure it is as positive as possible? Do not leave your positivity in the hands of anyone else but yourself. 

August 05, 2020

Written by: Amanda Paige Medina

Bipolar Type 1 Disorder

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Living With Bipolar Type 1 Disorder

      Living with this disease is hard….. Everyday I wake up, I struggle…. I struggle to get up I struggle, to wake up, I struggle to get dressed, I struggle to do the normal day to day things that regular people take for granted. It is rough.  It took a lot of trial and error a lot of different medications and a lot of awesome support from the people closest to me.

     When you have a family like mine, one that is not always supportive or supportive when they want to be; it is hard to come out and express to them how you are feeling or how you are struggling. I am in pain every single day but no one knows it, no one sees just how much pain I in. But i wonder does anyone even care. Does anyone even care to look, to notice the change. 

       Today I take 2 different medications just to be able to function and get through life on a day to day basis; along with a bunch of other medications for migraines and for allergies. But my two main medications are what helps me handle normal everyday life. Without these medications I would not be able to do anything and sometimes I feel sad, like what went wrong with me that I am this way. But once I investigated I found out that these issues I have these problems run in my dads and my moms side of the family. Even though no one wants to talk about them and its all hush hush, these are very real problems that could have saved me a lot of grief had I know ahead of time I could have protected myself.  But now i am at a point in my life where I am happy I am finally living life for me and that is what the most important thing is. I exercise on a regular basis, I have changed my diet, I am happier then I have ever been and now that my condition is controlled I know it is only up from here; I have a positive outlook on life and I know nothing is going to stop me now. 

         I can not stress enough how important getting help for yourself is. I see a psychologist and a psychiatrist and there is nothing wrong with that. I know so people will make you feel like that is wrong or like its a problem, but its not. What is wrong is, if you have a problem like certain people in my family and you do not get help for it, and everyone in the family knows about this and your problems, but they are left to be swept under the rug and not taken care of. This is the real issue we have in America today. People put such a stigma on getting help, like oh there must be something wrong with that one she sees a doctor or oh you don’t want to mess with that one she is crazy and that’s not fair. No one should be allowed to make you feel like less of a person or a wrong person for getting help. Despite my family’s stigmas i got help and now i’m living a full life with someone who cares deeply about me and we are happy. It is so important to get help, I can not stress that enough; I am looking to break down those walls that people put up about this topic because it is something that needs to be discussed on a regular basis. This is something normal people suffer from everyday, and I am choosing to say it stops with me. I am done with the name calling, and the poking fun, and the stigmas. So people please do yourself and your family a favor and get help if you need it.  It only can better your life… 

August 3, 2020

Written by: Amanda Paige Medina

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Battling

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Everything is not always rainbows, sunshine and unicorns. And that is okay…

For the past couple of months i have been really struggling. Struggling to get out of bed, struggling to move, struggling to breath, just struggling to live. Its been such a difficult time for me and i have retreated into myself because of it. I lost myself, the girl i used to be and im having such a hard time getting her back. I constantly have this cloud over me, this dark dark cloud, and that dark cloud is called depression. It makes me want to die, it makes me not want to live my life, it makes me want to sleep all day and all night, not go to work, not interact with others, just sleep and be alone. I don’t like being alone but depression tells me i do. I like life but depression tells me i don’t. I’m hungry but depression tells me I’m not. I want to go out but depression tells me i don’t. I have been stuck in this fight all my life but most recently it has been the worst its ever been and I’m just now pulling out of it I’m just now coming to a point where i can start to see the light again. I feel like I’m in the fight of my life and everyday is a struggle, every day is hard. I don’t return text messages or calls… not because i don’t want to but because i cant, because i am in pain, i am suffering. To talk to move, to breath is hard so how would i hold a conversation. I can barely work and make it through the day. Just because I’m struggling doesn’t mean i gave up. Just because I’m having a tough time doesn’t mean its over. Just because I’m torn up and sad in side doesn’t mean its over. I’m BATTLING and fighting for my life. I’m trying and i know eventually i will succeed. Eventually i will beat this. Eventually i will see the light, eventually there will be hope and sunshine, rainbows at the other end. I deserve everything life has to offer me and depression will not take that away, depression will not win, it will not become my destination, only my journey. I am not depression, depression is not me, but it is a part of me. No matter how big or small it does not define me.  Depression is in me but it is not me. 

August 01, 2020

Written by: Amanda Paige Medina

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