Alyssa Nickol Medina
Bipolar Disorder. That was something I always heard about but never really paid attention to until 2017, I was diagnosed with BPD. My whole life I had always struggled with my mood swings but was always told I was being over dramatic, sometimes I was even to afraid to speak up at all.
Experiencing abuse your whole life puts your mind in a different place, it can make you think that anything you do was completely outrageous. Turns out I wasn’t so crazy. Being diagnosed with biPolar disorder, may have been one of the best things to happen to me. I’m sure you think that I sound crazy, who actually wants to be diagnosed with a mental illness. Here’s the thing, I would rather be diagnosed with a mental illness and know a reason why my body is acting the way it is. Not knowing would be so much worse, always going up and down and just not being able to figure it out. Every day is constantly a struggle for me. Being bipolar is enough on its own, but having a whole bunch of other mental illnesses makes it that much harder to cope everyday.
I know some people don’t believe in medicine or feel they shouldn’t have to take it, but it really works. It took me about 2 years to finally start regulating my medicine properly, I noticed a change. It didn’t cure me but it helped me so much. My mind felt a little more at ease. I went through an outpatient program that taught me a lot of self-help skills. I thought it was a bunch of bullshit at first but it turns out it was pretty useful. You can google mental health worksheets and find some you like and print them out and that way you have something to keep you distracted when you are having an episode. I have 2 binders full of worksheets I can try to do. It also really helps to have kind of a “go” bag intact for emergencies. Put things it that, trigger your five senses to keep you focused on that.
I know struggling with a disorder is so hard but remember we are all working together to survive, one day at a time. Always remember to reach out to your support systems and that you are not the burden your mind tells you you’re. You have a support system, and trust me they want you to use it, they want you to see tomorrow!
THE OTHER ME
Outgoing Energetic
Adventurous
Risk taker
Extrovert
Life of the party
These are the words you would hear my friends describe me with (Pause)
They’re liars
(Pause, its a laugh line)
Not intentionally but because I’ve turned them into lairs without their knowledge (pause)
The person portrayed to my friends is an imposter (Pause) Making the true darkness inside me is no easy task Beneath the surface of the smiles and the jokes my depression is fighting through
My depression insists on coming to the light to drag me down the rabbit hole (pause)
The rabbit hole that one day I may not make it out of People often look at a depressed person and say things like well just shake it off
It’ll be better tomorrow (pause)
Just do something that makes you happy (pause)
Honey if it was that simple you think I would be in my bed fighting my own mind (pause)
Baby I’ve been trying to get outside to do things I like Sweetheart I’ve just been trying to get out of bed, fuck going outside, (pause) I just need to get up (pause)
My depression is a real piece of work (pause)
She holds me hostage
Making me doubt my worth
The little bit of happiness I think I have found
My depression isn’t even the worst part
She has a twin sister, (pause) Anxiety
She makes me feel like the world is out to get me (pause)
Oh look someone looked at you for a few seconds, somethings wrong with you (pause)
No don’t ask your friends for help, you’re annoying to them (pause)
You’re boyfriend doesn’t care that you feel alone, you’re over reacting just cut it out (Pause)
My anxiety crawls up through my chest as my depression pulls me down
They work together to pull my ribs toward my organs while trying to suffocate me (pause)
They team up as their mother, my bipolar disorder, assigns me 15 different tasks to do while her daughters are making me want to hide under the covers (Pause)
Just stop (Pause)
Just leave me alone (pause) what did I do to you
Forget about going to my friends for help, (pause) who do I think I am (Pause)
People often say the friend that is always smiling, laughing, trying to make sure everyone else feels better is the friend you should worry the most about (pause)
Guilty. 100 percent (Pause)
Come to me with any of your issues and I will give you a solution You’re upset and need cheering up, I got you don’t worry
I will fix anyone else’s problems before I even acknowledge my own (Pause, laugh line)
Rarely do I go to my friends when I am seriously in need because who am I to bother them with my problems and issues
I am the biggest inconvenience (pause)
Why?
I cry myself to sleep feeling completely alone and isolated, something that my disorder told me I was (pause)
Her little voice in the back of my head that I’m no good
I don’t deserve to be here
Who said I have the right to be happy (pause, laugh line)
Who decided my suffering would just dissipate
As if I were to feel so entitled to have calm day (Pause)
How dare I (Pause, laugh line)
My mental illness would never allow it (Pause)
Have you ever met someone that thinks having a mental illness is like having a super power? (Pause)
FUCK THAT (Pause, laugh line)
Bitch have you ever had a fucking mental illness?
This shit is no fucking super power (Pause, laugh line)
You try being bipolar in a manic stage thinking its perfectly acceptable to go outside at 3 am because the inside is suffocating you (Pause)
You try setting up a different date every night because your manic side is putting your sex drive on crack (Pause, laugh line) Hyper-sexuality just isn’t the word for sleeping with a different man all the time because your body is telling you, don’t stop (Pause)
You try having to force yourself to get out of bed just to go to work (Pause)
You try laying in a corner all day like a zombie because your switch just flipped and tell me all about how much you think my illness is a fucking superpower (Pause)
The only thing super about my illness is that it is super fucking inconvenient
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