Everything is not always rainbows, sunshine and unicorns. And that is okay…
For the past couple of months i have been really struggling. Struggling to get out of bed, struggling to move, struggling to breath, just struggling to live. Its been such a difficult time for me and i have retreated into myself because of it. I lost myself, the girl i used to be and im having such a hard time getting her back. I constantly have this cloud over me, this dark dark cloud, and that dark cloud is called depression. It makes me want to die, it makes me not want to live my life, it makes me want to sleep all day and all night, not go to work, not interact with others, just sleep and be alone. I don’t like being alone but depression tells me i do. I like life but depression tells me i don’t. I’m hungry but depression tells me I’m not. I want to go out but depression tells me i don’t. I have been stuck in this fight all my life but most recently it has been the worst its ever been and I’m just now pulling out of it I’m just now coming to a point where i can start to see the light again. I feel like I’m in the fight of my life and everyday is a struggle, every day is hard. I don’t return text messages or calls… not because i don’t want to but because i cant, because i am in pain, i am suffering. To talk to move, to breath is hard so how would i hold a conversation. I can barely work and make it through the day. Just because I’m struggling doesn’t mean i gave up. Just because I’m having a tough time doesn’t mean its over. Just because I’m torn up and sad in side doesn’t mean its over. I’m BATTLING and fighting for my life. I’m trying and i know eventually i will succeed. Eventually i will beat this. Eventually i will see the light, eventually there will be hope and sunshine, rainbows at the other end. I deserve everything life has to offer me and depression will not take that away, depression will not win, it will not become my destination, only my journey. I am not depression, depression is not me, but it is a part of me. No matter how big or small it does not define me. Depression is in me but it is not me.
August 01, 2020
Written by: Amanda Paige Medina
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